It’s Just Pork Chops

My heart dropped when she repeated herself. I had to ask her a third time to make sure that I hearing her correctly, so she said it again, “Ms. Bobbie is having trouble chewing her meat, I think we need to move to only soft foods!” I immediately began to go through my mental checklist. What had I missed? I made sure that the pork chops were not too thick.  I had been sure to marinate the pork chops. I cooked them at a low temp for 2 hours. I used my meat thermometer to ensure they were all at least 145 degrees and allowed them to rest.  I knew that they were tender enough, I made sure that I tasted them. I had checked all the boxes…I had not missed anything.  So, I asked for the third time. “Ms. Pam, are you sure that you cut them up into small pieces?” When she affirmed that she had, I felt an immediate rush of sadness and fear.

My mind went from that moment to the fear of what’s next in a split second. I could not stop the tears from flowing, so I immediately went into our bedroom. What I know for sure is that Mama would have sensed my fear and sadness and it would have affected her.

My mind went from that moment to the fear of what’s next in a split second.

I know this because it has happened before. The last time I cried in front of her she instinctively, slowly reached up to touch my face, to wipe my tears and she lowered her hands and rubbed the moisture into her pants. It was as if she was trying to rub it all away.  She did not speak but her stare was one that I will never forget. It was the look of a parent when your child is hurting, and you cannot do anything to make the pain stop. She had that look. She still knows that I belong to her in some way, and she somehow knows when I am not okay. I can’t really explain it because her memory has faded, and she no longer calls me by my name, but she knows me. Perhaps I cannot offer a scientific explanation but as a Mother I have no doubt that my heart will always know and love my precious children. And because I was not handling it well in that moment and I did not want to imprint on her in that way, I left the room. 

The next few moments were filled with so many emotions. It’s strange that the mind will go to the end of the journey long before it has to, probably a natural defense that prepares us for difficulty. In this case I began thinking about her wasting away, feeding tubes and not being able to meet her needs- these are some of my greatest fears. I have to tell you that the thoughts were so crippling that I sat in silence and wept, I was immobile for a moment. I’d love to tell you that this is rare, but I’d be lying. I have these moments often enough to recognize that I need more than myself to pull me through. I lean on the Lord and all that has been given to help me with these times. I am wired to plan and execute. It is how I am made; I cannot stay in the problem for long. I have never been able to do that. So, after a few really sad moments I started to plan what I needed to do next.

Perhaps it’s not soft foods that she needs, maybe she needs fish, or ground meat, or beans or stews. Or maybe it was a simple as she just didn’t want pork chops. So, the next day we tried meatloaf and she devoured it. The next day we tried salmon and she destroyed it. So, the next day we tried chicken breast (cut up small) and she wanted to lick the spoon. This disease is filled with swift transitions that come with no notice; my fear was that this was one of them. That she went to bed one night being able to swallow whole foods and woke up unable to do it. I know that if she lives long enough that this phase will come but we were not there yet. But where we were was at a point that she still recognizing what she likes and does not like, and she obviously did not like my pork chops. And I count that as a Blessing.  As much as I consider myself a good cook, I am happy that Mama can still express herself by refusing to chew things that she does not like. Her will is still strong!  Loved Ones, some rejections are good and I am thanking God for this one.