Let It In

“Let the Sunshine in. Let it in.”

“Let the Sunshine in. Let it in.” 

“Let the Sunshine in. Let it in.”

I sing this just about every morning to Mama while she waits for her breakfast. I open the shutters, working from the one on the far end of the room, to the third set which are closest to Mama’s chair and I sing a verse as I open each one.  On this particular morning, as I approach the final shutter and began the final verse and I sang, “Let the Sunshine in” and as I began to sing the last part I heard the sweetest surprise, her voice. She joined in on que. The most off- key, pitchy tone came from her mouth. She sang, “Let it in” in unison with me!

It is widely known that my beautiful mother was Blessed with many talents but neither singing nor dancing were not included in that list. She could never hold a tune or keep a beat, absolutely no rhythm.  And she knew it and still tried, still tried to pretend that she could prove it to us. I have so many great memories of her clapping her hand and snapping her fingers off beat and then laughing so hard when she failed at it. It was an ongoing joke in our home and it would always make us laugh hysterically when she would break out in a dance move that was always so excruciating and hilarious to watch.  She would joyfully entertain us with her made up songs and rhythm lacking dance steps. And the laughter…it filled the room.  

I heard the same laugh that morning after she sang “Let it in” with me. Pure joy in her face while she sat in her wheelchair at the breakfast table. She laughed and laughed and I laughed and laughed and then she laughed harder and so did I. We laughed together until our eyes were filled with tears.  We let the sunshine in and all the joy that our hearts could handle in that moment. It was a light experience and I welcomed it. There had been way too much heaviness.

Later that day, after Mama went to bed, I sat at the table alone. Staring at the shutters, I tried to replay the scene from that morning. Closing my eyes, I held on the feelings of lightness that singing with my Mama brought.  I could still feel remnants of joy from the morning.

Truthfully, I’ve gotten pretty good at replaying moments and holding on to them. I have worked at filing them in my memory and recalling them when I need them. It’s helped me to keep her lucid moments at the forefront of my mind because we have reached the point where her days include very few of those. There is a vacant stare that occupies her eyes most of the day with an occasional glimmer from time to time. So hearing her sing. “Let it In,” felt like a message from her to me telling me to let all the goodness in, all the light in, all the joy.

In times of uncertainty and sadness, the darkness seems to spread so very quickly. Feelings of doubt, insecurity and fear can consume you. Holding on to what is good, hopeful and life affirming can be a struggle when things feel hopeless. When they say that parenting is not for the faint at heart, nothing can be truer. My Mama, fighting a never-ending battle with Dementia, is still parenting me. Through the veil of confusion and loss and fear she is still reminding me to let the goodness in, let it take root, let it grow.  

Loved Ones, although these are scary and uncertain times don’t give in to the darkness. Let the Sunshine In…Let it in!